Posted by ValorB, Dec.12, 2014, under Angry Fox, Articles, Comics, Community, Comments (0)

Ladies, Gentleman, You Ingrate Gamers who whine about doing a better job but can’t be bothered,
May I present you,

Bottom of the Barrel

Chapter 2 – The Pitch

 Jerry was dropped unceremoniously to the ground, and was soon on his feet. Enraged and nearly foaming at the mouth, the older fox charged the first being before him.

It was Vger.

Coming to a rather hasty stop in mid punch, Jerry nearly fell over himself trying to divert the energy and momentum somewhere else. That in turn had Jerry spinning like a top for a moment before he could settle himself, squaring off against the next foe…who happened to be friendly.

Jerry saw Vger adjusting his glasses, looking relaxed despite suffering a near miss punch to the face. John and Mortimor were looking rather confused but unharmed and unbound.

Rina held her arms across her chest, looking thoughtful.

The area they were in looked more like a particular tavern Jerry frequented. Wooden tables and a bar, with the floor and ceiling made out of the identical material. There were candles lighting the room, and as Jerry turned, neither the strange stick men where in sight, nor a possible way out.

There were no doors. No windows. No stairs.

“Yes. We seem to be in a small jam we are.” Vger stated, seeing Jerry’s face grow stern. “But our host has assured us that we are quite safe.”

“He said he needed my help.” Rina commented, giving Jerry a questioning glance. “Gods know why he would want you lot.”

“It will be revealed all in due time.” Vger turned slightly. “Though I would be thankful for a drink right about now.”

“And a smoke.” Jerry growled, the fur was still pricked on the back of his neck. He did not like this situation.

John felt the same way. The larger fox continued to survey his surroundings for a possible escape. Mortimor however, occupied himself by drawing on the table before him with his fingers, bored.

“Ah! Yes, yes, I say there you all are. Most splendid!” a brown quelled, dark armored hedgehog seemed to spring to life from out of the walls. The Hedgehog’s quills were swept back like it was hair, and he wore glasses, almost identical to Vger’s own.

“Yes, I quite imagine you all want to know why you are here, why the ruffing up and all that jazz.” the hedgehog continued moving to stand as close as he dared.  Both Jerry and John were giving him one of two different looks that conveyed harmful messages.

One was that they wanted to beat the hedgehog into the ground.

The other wanted to skin him alive and use him for a suit.

“My name is Bia, and I have been searching the multiverse for heroes.”

Rina scoffed. “Heroes? Scrapping bottom are we?” she asked, looking over the array of foxes with her.

“Speak for yourself, peacock.” Jerry shot back.

Rina unfurled her arms as a white hot raged quite literally engulfed her. Flames erupted from her long finger tips and she looked to be on the verge of turning Jerry into a candle. “What did you call me?”

“C**t.” the blood red fox spat.

Vger stood between them. “Now now. Let us hear what the gentleman has to say.”

Bia backed up slightly and glanced between the Phoenix and the Fox that insulted her. There was a natural animosity between them that he could see, plain as day. One was the very embodiment of Righteousness while the other inspired Dread.

After parting glares, the two turned their attention on Bia, which was not any better.

“Yes. Well. I arranged a small kidnapping to allude suspicious that you are, in fact, helping out in this tiny little mission to save the world.”

“You see, I am a Guardian of the Multiverse. I have several, well, lets not say the number or your ears might bleed, lets say I protect them the best way I know how. Currently however, I have run into this teeny, tiny little snag of being a bit overzealous in my appearance and well. To make a long story short, I really can’t go back to this universe in question.”

“What?” Mortimor asked. “Like, those guys from the comics, Guardian of the some such?”

“Due to trademark issues, no.” Bia smiled, shifting on his feet. “You see I have been scouring the Universes for, well, expendable heroes really.” the hedgehog laughed, then awkwardly coughed, “There are only so many of you who can do the job and not really be missed in the grand schemes of fate, and destiny and that sort of thing. Because, well-”

“-Our story has played out on our Reality.” Rina finished for him, quickly settling against the table away from the group. “If we fail or die, then we do not effect the current affairs in our world to much to matter.”

“Well thats not really a nice thing to say.” Mortimor blurted.

Vger however, took the statement hardest. “What do you mean my story has played out?” he asked. “I have made quite a mark on Mobius. I will be number one in the weapons department-”

“-Well, you will be, once your dead.” Bia stated. “In fact all of you will probably die of old age or health complications without every really doing anything substantial to effect your world as a whole.”

“He means you, smoker.” Rina shot over Vger’s head to Jerry.

Jerry shrugged indifferently.

“Actually, no, in this reality he would die of old age.”

“Ha! In your face you feathery b**ch.” Jerry grinned. Then it faded. “Wait what do you mean in this reality?”

“Well there are millions of you spread out across the Universe. Some of you are on either end of the spectrum of heroism, villainy, or just obscure to a point that you just go about day to day with no real interesting skills or talents. In one reality you died in the Great War.” Bia turned to Jerry. “In another you never recovered from your first surgery and died on the operating table.”

“Dude your dead a lot.” Mortimor chuckled.

“So are you actually.” Bia turned to Mortimor. “In that same reality your unit takes on Metal Sonic in open conflict and none of you make it.”

Mortimor frowned. “Harsh.”

“And you sir, are a hot dog vendor who never sees combat.” Bia pointed to John.

The large, yellow fox brightened. “Milkshakes bring all the boys to the yard!”

Bia blinked, as did everyone. After an awkward moment of silence, Bia turned towards Rina. “You, my dear, in one reality your a librarian who secretly kills murderers with-.”

“This is all well and good.” Vger pressed. “But why do you have us here now?”

“Because after several minor set backs in finding the right sort of people to do the job, I have chosen you.”

“Minor set backs?”

Jerry snorted. “It means he attempted to ‘recruit’ others and it failed miserably.”

“Well not miserably.” Bia smiled sheepishly. “It did help me narrow the search as well as research you all just a tad before blindly snatching the first group on the list…”


“Come on guys, we can do this. Just think of the fun we can have. The Murder and lootin’!” someone exclaimed with an evil grin on their face.

That someone was a black Echidna, wearing a wide brim hat, with a metal arm, legs, and a cybernetic eye. A gray Fox, a brown Rat, and a orange Feline, moped around a table. All three of them did not look readily agreeable to the proclamation.

“You do realize.” spoke the Feline. “There will be no porn.”

“Your Girlfriend will be on another World.” the Fox grunted.

“And no HALO for that matter.” the Rat added.

The Echidna’s face became blank for but a moment. Then a scowl tugged on his lips.

Less then ten minutes later, they had dragged Bia out front of a home roaring in flames. Bia had blackened his eye, split his lip, and the Echidna had him by the throat.

“You will send us back right the f**k now or I will skin you alive and make you a coat for my smelly friend!” the Echidna raved.

“Hey!” the Fox frowned. “I don’t smell.”

“Well, it is that time of the month for a shower.” The Rat noted.

The Fox’s shoulders slumped. “Goit.”


“You mean no Sonic?” asked the Pink Hedgehog.

“No Blaze?” asked the Silver Hedgehog.
“No Sonic?” asked the Black Hedgehog.

The other two glanced in his direction with raised brows. The Black Hedgehog shrugged. “What? I got over Maria didn’t I?”

Bia simply sank his face in his hands and sighed.


“…so you can have your smoking.” Bia nodded towards Jerry, “You can have your drinking.” he gestured to Vger. “You can preform a really good deed.” That one went to Rina. “And you two can go on a life changing adventure.”

John and Mortimor glanced at each other, with the large yellow one folding his arms over his chest. Mortimor said what his comrade was thinking. “I think we got the short end of the stick.”

“Nonsenses. John has been looking for one last hoorah to go on before he gets old and out of shape.” Bia said, looking to the Mobiun in question. “His been itching to tell Vger he wants to go on some missions so he doesn’t grow bored.”

John smiled sheepishly himself, and offered two fingers hovering near each other as Vger looked to him with a raised brow. The gestured meant that Bia may have been just slightly on target.

“And you, young man, never got to go to War.”

Jerry snorted. “Who the f**k wants to go to War?”

Vger and Bia both looked to Jerry with raised brows and knowing looks.

“Right, I’m a poor example on that.” Jerry rubbed nose, then took off his bandana, letting his hair hide his eyes. “Still. I’m in.”

“Well that is a shock.” Rina said, rather surprised. “I figure we would have to convince you to do anything for the good of anything.”

“I volunteered for suicide missions on a daily basis.” Jerry replied flatly. “If his looking for fighters then I’m in.”

“You don’t even know if the Cause is Just.” Rina pointed out. “Your just looking for a fight.”

“Yup.” Jerry acknowledge with a shrug.

“Oh the Cause is Just.” Bia turned, reassuring the still ruffled Phoenix. “You see a book of immense power has fallen into the hands of a really irate sorcerers.” he started to explain. “The Book is from, actually, your reality, and it contains a myriad of information that could be essentially damaging to the fabric of time and space; causing slight things, like, I don’t know, the end of several billion worlds.”

The lot of them looked at each other, before looking on at Bia.

“What? Yes. I did try to explain that bit but by this time the other candidates kinda, gloss over the fact that they are saving said universes and wanted to be sent home.”

“Did you send them home?” Vger asked.

“Um. Yes?” Bia asked more then answered and yet again, smiled sheepishly.


“OH GODS WHY DOES MY CANNON NOT FIRE?!” Screamed the Echidna as he waved his cybernetic arm before him.

“JUST SHUT UP AND HELP ME OPEN THE DOOR!” the Fox shouted, trying to ram his shoulder into rather flimsy looking obstacle.

“KILL IT WITH FIRE!” the Rat added hysterically.

“ITS BROUGHT FRIENDS!” the Feline pointed as the color drained from their face.

The Purple Pony looked to another that had a Rainbow Mane. “I think someone gave these strange looking guys too much sugar.”


Bia made a calming motion. “Well, not exactly home, but they will eventually get there in a round about fashion. I mean the magics I used KNOWS where they need to go, so they will return to the reality in time. Casting this sort of spells are not a simple snap of the finger you understand, and they rushed me.” the Hedgehog said defensively.

The Emerald Coast staff groaned.

“Look, normally I don’t let others bully me around but I have expended a lot of magical energy as of late and it has left me in a vulnerable state. So. I have targeted the bottom of the barrel so to speak.” Bia looked over them. “There are heroes who are better suited for this task, but so far the top of the list has snubbed me, so screw it lets look at the bottom.”

“You mean we are the very last people you were going to ask anyway?” Rina questioned, frowning in disappointment.

“Technically? No. I sent some one else, and they kinda screwed me.”

“And they are?”

“No one of particular importance now, I assure you.” Bia noted with a nod.

“And who is the enemy?”

“A sorcerers who somehow found her way unto the World. She seems nice and all but this whole desire to wipe out all life as we know it is kinda a real big turn off. You know what I mean?” Bia asked, then continued. “Too think of it all. The enemy herself is from your reality, the book is from your reality, so it is your realities problem, and you ARE first on the list for your reality.”

“Because we’re expendable.” the Phoenix said disdainfully.

“That, and you do all have particular skills that are unique and varied.” Bia continued. “Well, your groups capacity for Violence is Exceptional, coupled with your magic and Vger’s Engineering skills.”

“Like I said.” Jerry noted. “I’m in. Whats your beef?” they nodded towards the Phoenix. “Your kind is supposed to be noble and just aren’t you?”

“I am inclined to go, we are attempting to save several billion universes.” Rina shrugged. “I just don’t like how its being pitched. ‘Your worthless and won’t be missed in the grand scheme of things’ what a load of rubbish.” the Phoenix mulled over it a moment more.

“Though I do suppose it is fate that placed us here in this moment, maybe there is more to our story then being simple employees. I’ll go. My conscious would kill me otherwise knowing YOU went voluntarily.” Rina growled at Jerry.

“Whats in it for me?” Vger asked, looking defensive.

“A never ending supply of Port?” Bia asked.

“Done and done!” Vger stepped forward, offering his hand as if it was a business deal.

“You already have a never ending supply of Port.” Jerry shook his head, putting a hand over his face.

“Oh.” Vger noted. “Er. Is it to late to back out?” he asked hopefully.

“You accepted, your going.” Rina also sighed. “You couldn’t find me a better group to go with? Seriously?”

“If their willing their going.” Bia noted, before turning his attention to the last two.

“Well, if my employers going, I’ll go.” John said, rotating his arms.

“Well, if this is an adventure like your saying. And we’re doing good.” Mortimor said, nodding, “Alright, I’ll tag along.”

“Right, then the five of you-.” Bia started, turning away.

“Six!” came a shrill shout, turning everyone’s attention to John.

“What?” John asked, folding his ears back. “That wasn’t me!”

“It was his hat!” someone shouted. Two gold eyes appeared from John’s hat, and blinked at them. “I’m a hat!” they declared.

“Yes Akhmin.” Jerry noted with zero enthusiasm in his voice. “Yes you are.”

“Where did you come from?!” Bia demanded.

Akhmin ‘uncoiled’ himself off of John’s head, revealing that he was, indeed, John’s hat. How or why was beyond anyone person’s hope of understanding, but the creamy furred Anubis threw himself across the floor. Sliding to be near Vger. Akhmin sprang to his feet with a grin.

“I from here.” the Anubis pointed up and right, as if indicating a specific location on the otherside of the ceiling. “Or maybe there. Or there. Oooo thats a nice place.”

“How-?” Bia asked as he pointing to Akhmin and looked to Vger utterly confused.

The CEO slash Emperor shook his head and made a cutting motion with both hands, indicating that it was best not to ask.

“Right. Um. Okay. Six of you then.” Bia gestured to them. “You are going to secure a book. By the time you get the book I will make the proper spells that would take you home. It will be a really quick mission. Maybe a day or two at most. Honest.”

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