Posted by ValorB, Jan.03, 2015, under Angry Fox, Articles, Comics, Community, EC Updates, Comments (0)

Ladies, Gentleman, Twitter-People,
May I present you,

Bottom of the Barrel

Chapter 3 ) The Mission Equipment

“So. From what I understand.” Vger begun. “We are going to a semi-primitive world, with their semi-primitive gear, to extract a magical book that can destroy billions of Worlds, because you jumped the gun?”

Bia sank his face in his hands as he sighed.

They were all in what could have been an armory to end all armories. The Brown Hedgehog opened a hidden door with a wave of his hand and led them inside. Eventually they settled at a very large table with exactly six seats. Around them had been array of weapons and armor, shimmering in their magical nature, on stands that simply disappeared beyond their view.

Jerry, Mortimor, and John wondered around the gear, all three inspecting the weapons diligently. Akhmin was curled beneath Vger’s feet, staring beneath the table at all the ‘owies’ as both Vger and Rina, the ‘leaders’ of the group, where now questioning Bia.

“Yes.” Bia admitted. “Normally I just come on in, wave my hand and be done with it. I have my own little army of Glasserlings. Unlimited supply, I can make a thousand with no sweat. But this sorcerers was slightly prepared for me. The book warned her of my presence and offered her my strengths and weaknesses. We had a spat. I imprisoned the book and made my way back to my realm.”

“I go back, the book is opened again, and well, its round two and I really can’t be bothered trying to explain to my higher ups how a strumpet blew me up.”

“And you think we have a chance against that?” Vger frowned.

“Last time she had the book. This time around well, she doesn’t. Then you have Rina.” Bia gestured towards the Phoenix. “On that world, Phoenix’s are innately more powerful then your Mobiuns. That and they are extinct. She will have no real counter to you.”

“You also have John. They don’t have proper fire arms as you will see, but we put him in some of the strongest armor imaginable and you got yourself your own army.” Bia nodded.

“And what about the others?” Rina asked. “Vger isn’t a fighter, no offense boss but wrenching things in the head does not constitute battle prowess. And I haven’t had a sword on my hip in…” she paused, about to give out a number. “Well. Its been awhile since I’ve been in battle.”

“Akhmin is indestructible.” Vger threw in the conversation.

“That is so. But I am afraid if Akhmin does what Akhmin does that may draw undue attention to you.” Bia said, “Your going to have to keep him on a tight leash.”

“But back on the subject of you.” Rina frowned at Vger’s attempt to direct this elsewhere.

“There are fire-arms. Even the primitive ones are a great equalizer.” Bia noted. “And he is an engineer. He can engineer things. You are all going to get a selection of equipment and some worldly money before you depart, just in case it goes beyond a few days.”

“So how do we find this book.”

Bia produced a map from his sleeve. “She is holding it in her fortress, a hallowed out volcano here.” he indicated with a tap. “I will place you as close to the Volcano I can, and you all swoop in, get the book and leave.”

“All I need is a tank and some-” Vger begun and Bia again, sighed. “What?”

“You have to use their weapons and technology.” Bia noted. “If you use anything else you will seriously destabilize the course of the reality further then what it already is. Damage it to much and it will bleed into other worlds.”

“I would imagine Jerry and John would excel in this then.” Vger grunted. “Fine. We get your book and then what?”

“Well, since you are all from its parent reality BEFORE I sealed it, the spell its encased with will not hinder you from opening it. Once you open it I will come in and teleport you all back to your world.”

“And if we fail?” Rina questioned.

Bia shrugged. “Don’t. But considering your a Phoenix and Akhmin is indestructible, how can you fail?

“You just said Phoenix’s are extinct on that world.” Rina straightened.

“Semantics and technicalities.” Bia waved at her. “They’ve been gone for thousands of years, whatever killed them is long gone. Well. Not really. An Empire of the World there is anti-magic. Its against their religion. They are responsible for the death of a lot of spell casters and such. Really anal about it too.”

“We’re not going to be anywhere near them are we?”

“No. No where close.” Bia said reassuringly. “Are you ready to begin?”

“Sure, why not, its not like we’re going home anytime soon.” Vger shrugged.

“Thats the spirit! Onward to Adventure!” Bia thumped his fist against the table. “Right, I all need you to gather around the table. Yes. Yes. Put the swords and shields away. I am going to assign you all equipment that best reflects your skills.” the Hedgehog produced an Orb from beneath the table, and stood, waving all of them to come closer.

“Assigning gear? Summoning Heroes?” Mortimor asked as he came closer. “Its like your Elminster.”


“A mage who was too lazy to do the job himself. Always sent adventurers out to do his dirty work in some games I played.”

Bia looked agitated at that, and huffed. “Nonsense. Nonsense and poppycock. I dutifully preform my duties to the full extent of my abilities.”

“Just saying what I played dude.” Mortimor held up his hands in surrender.

The Hedgehog’s momentary irate look dissipated as he gazed over all of them. “Alright, for this to work your going to need to get rid of the cloths and shoes your wearing.”

“Do WHAT?!” Rina nearly screeched.

“Your a Mobiun.” Jerry grunted. “Besides you haven’t gotten anything we haven’t seen before. Feathers on curves.” the fox shrugged.

“I haven’t seen her naked before.” Mortimor said defensively.

“I thought everyone seen her nak-.” Jerry started. He didn’t finish. Rina had removed her boot and struck him square in the face. Jerry barely flinched. “-what?” he asked, as if what he was explaining was not offensive at all.

“No one has seen me naked!” Rina snarled, threatening Jerry with her other boot.

“Technically Akhmin’s naked.” Jerry shot back. “And that gray tart that struts about has nothing but a pink scarf on, I don’t think she even works there. She’s naked! The f**k is your problem!? Your a MOBIUN. We don’t need cloths.” As he spoke, Jerry removed his hoody, then pressed against his nose to check to see if it was bleeding. “Gods, f**king b**ch.”

“What was that!?” Rina questioned, taking aim with her boot.

“I said F**KING B**CH!” Jerry shouted defiantly. He quickly ducked the second boot and straightened. “With a GODS at the front, the f**k is wrong with your hearing?” he questioned.

“Thats enough you two.” Vger, once more, stepped between the two of them. “Your both acting like children.”

“Your all Children to me.” Rina fumed

“Yet I am the one who has to rein you two in.” Vger turned pointing to at her. “Now please? Can we get along. We are in this together.”

“I am getting along.” Jerry grunted as he tossed his sweater behind him. “She’s still breathing isn’t she?”

“Enough.” Vger turned to Jerry, narrowing his eyes through his glasses. Jerry offered little more then a shrug before kicking off his boots.

Rina felt uncomfortable pulling off her trench coat, sweater and pants. But as it was obviously stated, all that was seen was more brightly colored feathers on a athletic frame. For those who were expecting a more graphic detail on the body of a fictional; mobiun character, please take note that the author; though a deprived, sick twisted mind; believes in consistency above all else.

Sally Acorn (before she was Robotized) did not need to wear pants; take the hint you perverted gits.

Regardless, when Rina looked back up, expecting leering stares, she noted they were all looking past her to her right. Their eyes were rounded, mostly in disbelief, with Bia covering his eyes as he turned a tad red.

Looking to her right, her jaw slacked.

John, to you readers, stood at least three feet taller then all of them save Akhmin, who was the same height. John’s chest and underbelly happen to be an off color to his yellow fur. His arms and legs were a few centimeters thicker then their own, and his hands were obviously larger.

To them however, John was rippling with muscles that would have made the Ultimate Warrior humble.

The blue haired Fox shifted on his feet, looking rather sheepish at all the staring.

“Motherf**ker worried about getting out of shape?” Jerry grunted as he turned his gaze away. “You got muscles bigger then most Mobiuns on you.”

“Awkward moment is awkward.” Akhmin chimed in.

“Yes. Do him first so the rest of us do not feel so emasculated.” Vger glanced at Rina, then prodded her shoulder.

“Yes!” she nearly jumped, folding her arms over her chest. “Him first.”

Bia was still red in the face from some sort of embarrassment, and held up the Orb. Peering into it, the Guardian nodded once. “As I thought, a Dragoon.” he announced.

Padding seem to appear on John, and he looked down at himself as the soft, tan leather armor was quickly covered by a layer of chain. Then the solid plates started to form around him. The plates interlocked over each other, almost looking exactly like his power armor. However as he jumped slightly to test the weight, it was far heavier, not at all comprised of the composite material the armor at his feet was made of.

“Your weapons of choice…ah tonfa’s. How odd.” Bia pointed out as the weapons appeared on John’s hip.

John took the L – shaped weapons and spun them about. There was a blade that extended along the edges, and the yellow fox quickly swung them around to get their feel. The weapons were as long as swords, wickedly sharp, and oddly, matched the same dull blue tone as the armor John wore.

“Bloodrayne’s gear?” Mortimor chuckled. “Seriously?”

“For Reals.” John grinned, then slammed them into their respective scabbards.

“Those weapons will never leave you.” Bia noted. “When you close your fists, and think of your weapons, they will come to you.”

John extended his hand, and closed his fist as Bia instructed. A moment later one of the tonfa’s was held in his grip, and the smile spread further across his face.

“The armor you wear is made of many layers of mithril, a mystical metal.” Bia continued. “With it you are impervious to most forms of attacks, though, you sacrifice movement and agility while wearing it. A trade off, I’m sure, that will not effect you to much.”

“Shiny like my hiny.” John agreed. Gods know how they understood he agreed.

“Really inappropriate right now.” Rina shifted uncomfortably.

“Then you next.” Bia said, aiming the Orb in her direction. It did not take him a moment before Bia grinned. “Oh this one is easy.”

Rina looked down at herself to see if anything was growing on her. Instead she found herself in a black dress, that split up the thighs. Black books with a thick black belt finished her assemble. A book weighed heavily on her left, held there by a leather bound, while a sword sat on her opposing hip.

She first took up the spell book. Opening it, she skimmed over a few pages before she inspected the pages themselves.

“What sort of material is this made out of?” Rina questioned.

“Dragon Hide and Phoenix Feathers.”

“Oh that’s disgusting.” Rina declared as she dropped the book.

“It also has all the spells ever penned by the magi of this world.” Bia noted, “And because of the Material its made of, its cannot be burned nor destroyed by any sort of magical or mundane means. You are literally carrying a cheat sheet. Bonus? Your the only one who can read it.”

Rina was reluctant to scoop the book up, and when she did she placed it back in its bindings. The sword was inspected next and she blanched. It was made of ice. She could see threw it, and feel the unnatural chill emanating from it.

“A poor mimicry of Black Ice.” Bia explained. “Knowing your natural predator is the cold, this replica will offer you a minor mastery of the element. As long as you have it on you, you won’t freeze to death as your ancestors.”

“Me next!” Vger spoke with a hint of excitement in his voice as he stepped around Rina.

Bia repeated the procedures. Leather armor sprang up and wrapped itself around Vger. Pouches ballooned on his belts, with a sizable one on his right hip, obscuring a short sword. In his hand, a long object with a wide end appeared, taking the form of a musket.

“Oh I say. This is fascinating. Extraordinary.” Vger commented, quickly taking a seat where he stood to rifle through his pouches. “Gunpowder, Shot. Nothing magical?” he asked with a hint of disappointment.

“The large leather bag to your right will always have the material you need to build whatever you are planning to build.” Bia noted. “However, it is limited to simple, inane objects, nothing overly complex. The Pouches themselves will never run out of shot nor powder, so long as you give them time to fill. The rifle itself? It comes with a pistol on your back.” and Vger pulled the Pistol free.

“Your an engineer and I have given you the best tools you can ask for. The sword? Its basic steel, I do not think you will need it so long as you engage your foes from afar.”

Vger placed the pistol back and studied the musket. Without much ceremony, the ruddy red Emperor settled himself on the floor and adjusted his glasses.

Mortimor found himself under the Orb’s gaze next. “The Classic Soldier.” Bia decreed.

The weight on his arm drew Mortimor’s attention to it, finding a shield marked with a acorn on a blue field. A mesh of chain and leather armor wrapped itself around his body, and a breastplate dawned his chest. A sword, which he pulled as soon as he had it, was gold hilted and sparkled with an inner light. Another belt across his chest and he twisted himself slightly to see a quiver and arrows.

“The armor will protect you, though it is not overly complicated. The shield itself, when held before you, will shield all those directly behind you from harm. The sword will glow in the darkness. In the light it will glow when in the presence of evil. The arrows will return to you after so long, and cannot be broken.” Bia gestured towards Rina. “And when enchanted, amply the effects bestowed on them.”

Mortimor sheathed the sword, hooked the shield against his hip, and pulled the bow. Looking at it, he nodded his approval of the craftsmanship.

Bia nodded as Mortimor had no questions, and turned the Clear Orb to Jerry.

At first, Bia’s eyes rounded in horror and he lowered the Orb.

Jerry perked a brow, putting his hands on his hips. “What?”

“Ah. Nothing.” Bia grinned nervously, and peered into the Orb once more. Instead of Jerry it showed a black furred, black armored being with green eyes, and as Jerry spoke, green teeth. On that world, they called them Champions of the Black Lord.

The equivalent of Evil Paladins.

“Something in my teeth?” Jerry asked, offering a lopsided grin at Bia’s discomfort. Much to the Hedgehogs dismay, it did little to ease the sensation as he got a real good look at those sinister looking teeth.

“Ah. No. How about um, we do this.” Bia came up with an idea. Making a subtle gesture with his finger, Jerry’s face was quickly obscured by a black hood. “A Slayer.”

A heavy bronze armlet rested on Jerry’s left arm, and Jerry inspected the dragons that decorated it. The armor that appeared on him was leather, as dark as the hood that was dawned on him. Metal plated boots emerged on his feet and he felt the familiar weight of the sword at his hip with a dagger resting length wise across his back. There were a few pouches on his right hip, but Jerry did not really inspect anything other then the armlet.

“This what I think it is?” the Eldest Fox asked.

“The hood will hide your, um, natural alignment from magical detection.” Bia begun. “But yes, the Dragon-Fist you have will work similar to the Mobiun Power Fist from your MARS days. There are three charges that take sixty seconds to replenish one. Additionally, snap the fingers and you will spark a small magical flame, for your convince since there are no lighters on this world. The sword and dagger are ebony steel, sharp and will not reflect light.”

Jerry nodded. “What do you mean my ‘natural’ alignment?”

“Best not dwell on it.” Vger spoke up, standing to inspect his handy work. “There. I just converted it from muzzle loading to breach loading.”

“That fast?” Bia asked, Jerry’s question forgotten as Vger loaded the rifle before their eyes. The others were also distracted, and they quickly gathered around Vger to inspect his handiwork.

“I wants toy too!” Akhmin whined, moving to stand in front of Bia with his giant, floppy ears perked.

“Oh. Right. Well. Lets see what the Orb says.” Bia offered.

After looking at Akhmin. Bia lowered the Orb just as quickly as he had done Jerry. Looking at Akhmin’s innocent smile, he re-aimed the Orb, the color draining from his face. After a moment of prolonged silence, the Hedgehog Guardian put the object into his sleeve.

What he had seen was a white harlequin masked black thing with a twisted smile, twisting limps on a shapeless, twisting shape that could only be described as chaos. Pure and utter chaos.

Where in the lowest pits of Hell did Vger find these people?!

“You know what?” Bia asked. “Lets just go with a Warrior Priest. That will work. That will round out this group just fine. You have a tank, an off tank, two dps, a utility, you guys really need a healer so f**k it. Your the healer.”

“Yay healer!” Akhmin shouted in merrily, standing up and thrusting his arms over his head. An instant later, a mesh matched suit of plate and leather armor decorated Akhmin’s body, though left his lower legs unburdened of anything short of fur. The ankh he wore around his neck was replaced with this weird, grinning face, and a large, almost oversized hammer was held high above the Anubis’ head.

The word Ghey was written plainly on the broad face of the square hammer. The heft looked to made directly from Akhmin’s hair.

“I HAS THE POWER!” Akhmin declared as he held the hammer aloft far over their head.

“I HEALS YOU!” was shouted next in a gleeful sort of joy, just before Akhmin hit Mortimor square in the chest with the hammer, sending the smaller fox skirting across the floor.

“Akhmin!” Vger nearly shouted with some disappointment, but Mortimor was quick to his feet. He had been washed with a strange, gold glow, and other then angry, he did not look harmed.

“What the f**k man?! Not cool!”

“You have to wait for them to get hurt before you heal them Akhmin.” Vger explained, and John intercepted Mortimor before the blue fox could close on the Anubis.

Akhmin sat on his hunches and looked to Vger with furrowed brows. “But I sensed he was dying of boredom.”

Bia however, threw up his hands and walked off. “Come with me to the Portal Room!” he shouted. The Brown hedgehog wanted to get them all out his plane as fast as he could.

Mostly because he did not give Akhmin anything.

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